I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
