i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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