I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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