You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
