OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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