yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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