Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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