haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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