Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
