i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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