the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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