you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
