Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
