if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
