You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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