It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
