she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
