my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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