Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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