they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
