You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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