I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
