I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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