Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
