he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
