You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
