Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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