Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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