Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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