it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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