I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
