Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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