I wish I could teleport
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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