I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
