then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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