There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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