Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
