I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
