I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
