Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
