I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
