I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
