Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
