If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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