I just threw up on my dentist
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
