i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
