I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
