i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
