its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
