She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
