she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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