I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
